Goldie Lookin Chain
Designer Magazine interrupted the Goldie Lookin Chain's Mystikal as he was working out some medieval science with his digital helpers. In an attempt to get to the bottom of the GLC we took them back in time to the heaven of 1983. The A-Team and Streethawk. Rusty Lee and Mad Lizzie. Rollerdisco's Vs Ice Rinks. Mothers with Penis' and Boys With Breasts. Summer fetes and novelty barbecues. Relive your youth and theirs with Designer Magazine and the GLC.
Q: So Mystikal what you up to today?
A: Today i'm trying to work out some medieval science with the aid of my digital helpers, but they seem to be hindering as opposed to helping. It's all gone f**king tits up mate. I hate this medieval science, it's bloody rubbish.
Q: What we're trying to do today is get to the bottom of the GLC by looking at all the things that made you. We're going to start with the A-Team. You're the wise old man of the GLC, in the old days when you cast the show were you always Hannibal?
A: Never. I was normally the guest celebrity that they had in week after week. You know what it's like. You'd watch the television program and then you'd immediately go outside and act it out exactly how you'd seen it. So say if there were 4 lads who came over to our estate they would automatically be the A-Team. I didn't want to be the bird, so i'd just be the guest appearance. I might only come on for 2 minutes, but at least I was in it.
Did you ever heard the story about Boy George being in one of the A-Team episodes? The whole story behind it was that Boy George's real name is the same name as a real famous American football player over in the States. They got mixed up and said lets get this proper American hero in and this camp effeminate British boy turns up. But they still used him and thought bollocks to it. At one point he uses his hair slide as a lock pick. Brilliant. I'm not saying I would be Boy George, but i'd be any kind of special guest involved.
Q: So when the GLC were playing the A-Team and the rival schools came over and locked you in the shed did you ever make a tank out of the lawn mower?
A: (laughs) I tell you what we did try. I don't even think it was Easter. We tried to make a cross in the back garden using pritstick, A4 paper and two planks. I'm not entirely sure what we were going to do, I don't know whether we were going to crucify anyone or not, but needless to say it didn't work and I bruised one of my toes. It was in keeping with the Medieval vibe, but i've no idea why we did it or what we were trying to achieve.
Q: And when you guys got bored of A-Team and Airwolf did you ever decide to play Streethawk with stabilizers?
A: Now Streethawk was pretty good. The only problem being is there was only one man involved in Streethawk, if you were anyone else you weren't really worth bothering about. But if you combined the forces of A-Team, Airwolf, Streethawk, Blue Thunder and Manimal you've got a proper mix. I can't remember the name of the bloke that does them all, I think its that Stephen J Cannell who pulls the script out of his typewriter at the end of the A-Team and throws it up in the air. I always used to love watching it thinking wow, he's got a beard, he writes the A-Team he's amazing. For many of my years I always thought the A-Team was a documentary and then of course somebody pointed out that it was a scriptwriter at the end. It was like is he the one that does all the reporting then? No no, just sort it out mate.
Q: So what was it about the A-Team that won in top trumps over Streethawk and Airwolf?
A: Characterization was very high in the agenda. Confusion over why when a helicopter flies into a mountain everybody just gets out and dusts their clothes down. Back in the day you never really worried about series continuity or any of the geeky issues. I think there was a 2 part episode where all the A-Team got captured apart from Murdock. He comes in dressed as a priest and gives them communion blood. Underneath the communion wafer there's a special LSD style tab that stops their heart rate so they essentially go into suspended animation for a bit. Then they all get shot with blanks on a firing range and you think shit the A-Team have been shot...but it's all right cos Murdock's a priest and he goes back and delivers them from certain temptation. It rounded it off nicely for me, although I was concerned for the A-Team's safety at one stage.
Q: When you stopped watching the A-Team you moved on to Vaj as all teenage boys do. I'm guessing it was Vaj as in Anneka Rice, Mad Lizzie and Michela Strachan?
A: (Laughs) It's not so much the Vaj as it was the camel suits, you know what I mean. Treasure Hunt with the tight fitting cat suit that she used to run about with. It wasn't just that, it was the headphones as well and the way she'd innocently toy about with her hair when there was interference ("What was that? North Annie. I can't hear you. Run north"). And they had that little model helicopter that they used to push around with a stick like it was in World War 2 or something. Man, I used to love all that shit. All of it's on cable, but I can't get any of these posh channels. It's a nightmare!!!
Q: What is it about these 80s birds that Britney and Xtina just don't have?
A: I think there's a certain sense of kooky kitchness about them which I think is quite nice. They were doing stuff that no other girls were doing on television before. Along with that you've still got the childhood romance thing and whenever you ask anybody about a childhood romance there's always something they can't put their finger on. They all had it - Anneka Rice, Felicity Kendall, Rusty Lee - all the old school bad bitch babes from back in the day!!!
Q: Did you used to watch all the fitness videos that seemed to multiply like Gremlins in water?
A: What's the name of the model they called The Body? Elle McPherson. Now I had a go at that. We broke a coffee table doing that. If you can imagine about 4 or 5 lads stripped to the waist in various states of hangovers and comedowns all marching around the living room and then it just breaking out into violence saying 'No, Elle would fancy me'. The coffee table was broken and I think a tray of drinks may have gone up in the air as well.
Q: Was it ever a worry that Rusty Lee might make a fitness video?
A: One of my private fantasies has always been A) Rusty Lee dancing for me B) Waking up next to Rusty Lee or C) All of the above and Rusty Lee making me a Caribbean Fry Up, which would be exactly the same as a normal fry up but with chunks of pineapple and chilli sauce instead of ketchup. That really would make my day.
Q: After the Rusty Lee fantasies and before you met real women the GLC went down to the Rollerdisco. How was that?
A: F**king hell man. My first memory of a Rollerdisco was a place called Matlins. It was like a poor mans Butlins if you can get any poorer than that. In terms of the lady factor down Maskells. You can't pick up girls down the chip shop, neither the chinese or the off license because you don't have the certain romantic ambience that you did down the rollerdisco. But f**king hell the amount of causalities we saw down there and the amount of sympathy generated by the casualties i.e. the amount of free birds available.
Q: Did you ever progress to the Ice Rink when you grew up?
A: I had a go, but it was never as much fun as the retro feel that the Rollerdisco had. The thing about Rollerdisco's is it's smart, it's practical and it's got that slight hint of physical danger. Bloody ice skating, just silly buggers that is. You turn up in jeans, you're going home in tears. You're cut to ribbons, your trousers are soaking wet and everybody can see your pants - it's just crap!!!
Q: Were there every any broken bones at the rollerdisco. I seem to remember every week someone used to break a leg or wrist or something
A: Pretty much. There were all sorts of strange and random injuries that occurred. There was one girl who split her head open, but came into the rollerdisco to seek medical advice, she smashed her head open elsewhere. Everyone was like 'Shit don't go down to the rollerdisco, you'll smash your head open'. No, no, she came in there.
Q: From one girl with a split head to another girl with a head - "Your Mothers Got A Penis". Was this based on James Harries aka Little Lord Fontleroy?
A: You've touched on one of my favourite subjects here. We always remember James from back in the day, but now that he has turned into she and become Lauren it's ever so much more confusing. Did you watch the Keith Allen film? It was bloody excellent wasn't it. He was hanging in the more basic haunts of Cardiff as well, like on St Marys Street which is slap bang in the middle of Cardiff. We were trying to work out which estate they live on and it shouldn't be hard because I mean how many mock tudor mansions are you going to find on the side of a real dodgy council estate. What I loved about that documentary more than anything else was when they were filming outside and the cars were coming screaming up. "There's a bloke who lives in there. He's a man turning into a lady. He scares all our kids. F**king Dickhead" and then they'd drive off again. I was amazed.
"Your Mother's Got A Penis" is not really based on the life of James Harries. It would be wicked if it was. Our favourite GLC phrase for James Harries was Antiques Kid and if you have a look in the GLC manifesto I think he gets a shout out as well cos he's had that much of an impact in our life's. The whole premise behind "Your Mother's Got A Penis" was to try and deliver the ultimate bar room insult. There's no comeback...it's like the whole I dare yer, I double dare yer, I back double dare yer - you can't top Your Mother's Got A Penis!!!
Q: Did you watch the Boys With Breasts program the other night
A: Boys with Breasts - really!!! Is it some sort of genetic disorder? There was a guy at our school who when he matured had an above average level of oestrogen in his body and he started lactating in the sixth form. We thought it was madness with milk coming out of his tits. But blokes with breasts - i'd quite happily spend a weekend with tits. Exploring your feminine side...and we're not talking about in the mind. Brilliant.
Q: Finally, apart from the leisure suits, gold chains, the A Team, Rusty Lee and boys with breasts is there anything else that makes up the GLC?
A: I think we're going to be getting involved in summer fetes over this summer. I personally want to see a return to the summer fete of old. 1983 style summer fete with rat up a drainpipe, throw spunges at the headmaster, perhaps some kind of a really shit Its A Knockout style tournament that doesn't work properly and inflatable castles.
Maybe a shit barbecue. Do you remember the days when barbecues were a real novelty and if you went round to someone's house it would be like "Here's my friend Jeff, he's a professional chef - he's brought his barbecue round. Now some people might call it BBQ for short". That's what I want to go back to, it was a proper novelty. Every f**king man and his dogs got a barbecue nowadays, they're going for £20 down Asda and stuff. I say put the novelty back into barbecue and everyone will treat it as a fun day out. Have a summer fete 1983 stylee to the present day.
Q: How about the Fairy Cakes you used to be allowed at Summer Fetes before the government outlawed them in case they got sued by claims direct?
A: There were several things we've spotted since then that aren't allowed anymore. Apart from the crumbly white dog poo, which we all know about. Fairy cakes with like the wafers with Mickey Mouse on - they're not allowed now. Remember those tiny little metal ball bearings that when you put them in your mouth and you had fillings would create an immense amount of pain and no-one knew why. I asked the dentist to explain it one day and he didn't know what they were. He was like why are you putting metal in your mouth? It's not metal, it's just the sweets that have metal on the outside. F**king hell it was too much.
Q: Perhaps you should bring the Summer Fete experience out on the GLC tour in October
A: I think we should do. Trestle tables out, put a spread on, novelty barbecue where everyone has to pretend they've never seen one before.
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of the Cast of A-Team, James Harries, Rusty Lee, Anneka Rice, Mad Lizzie or Michela Strachan get in contact at email@example.com . We want to speak to these people and find out what they're up to. Who knows if they happen to be in Manchester on October 15th 2004 when the GLC play the Manchester Academy then maybe they could make a special guest appearance
Goldie Lookin Chain's "Greatest Hits" is out 13th Sept
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