Oi you where's your manners ?.. (its tits first !)

SENSUAL GREETINGS TO DESIGNER MAGAZINE,

Hi Alex mR EDITOR,

Thought id send you an update of the from the mouth of the xcited and crumbling world of C*NT ROCK

I have a dance electroexperoicity 12"out on white label called" Broke Bitter andTwisted" under the name THE COUNTESS vsEON . Surprisingly enough its a collaboration with a cool dance producer guy called EON.Sample lyrics "the only thing that makes me queen is when the boys say where they've been /with me/im trash/ i'm aristocracy/i'm every dire warning that your mother said /you'd never want to be/ oh you could be my passport and i could be your whore/well i'm broke and i'm bitter and i'm twisted and i'm knocking on your door". I think you can order it from record shops. The video features enjoyably offensive footage and will probably be aired by programs that think sex and drugs are clever...like we didn't know that already. I play a nympho half-wit exhibitionist which really stretched my acting abilities as you can imagine.

Tim base player and bro protagonist in the BOURgoisie has gone back to Thailand to the Buddhist retreat where he has been drying out. The head honcho monk there has got him recording the sounds of nature believing that the ensuing cacophony will result in the "ooom" of the universal vibration that is the very hum of life. You think i'm making this up but i kid you fucking not. He's pissed off with his laptop containing half our songs, and his considerable musical and programming skills- so thats totally fucked me up for a start. I've taken out a loan which i'm bad at honouring and have been attempting to learn recording on a P.C. with varying degrees of failure. Most days Q base wont do my bidding so I sulk and top up my burgeoning sense of inadequacy with a diet of daytime TV watching people buy, fix up, swap and landscape wives and houses and a healthy respect for the mood -lifting talents of spliff and alcohol mixed with Lustral. I will send you a picture of where i live in the middle of fucking no-where-? (R)otterbourne Hants. My rational was splendid isolation free from the temptation of the urban perks and a splendidly cheap rent for the wing of a stately home called Cranbury Park. The reality is that i have a homing instinct for the riffraff, in this case the local yokal breed, don't drive so i drive a scooter illegally in eye-watering cold conditions, and get more trashed then i ever did in the city. The home phone has been cut off 'cos i haven't paid them, the electric bill is a Chekovian joke and im going to court for not paying my council tax. On the plus side I have struck up quite a phone friendship with one Gary Banks from The Moorcroft Debt recovery Group since speaking to him (and racking up a national debt)on my pay-as-you-go-thru-the-nose. I have promised him a copy of my now infamous sex video if i can get my hands on a copy (more of that later O)

LADY RUTH IN PETTING CRIMINAL FIIASCO
My beautiful keyboard player has had no end of trauma too. She got engaged to some dodgy yet well-hung thug who stored some i'llegal fings wot werent nuffink really'  chez-elle and now the poor girl is on probation for aiding and abetting-which is funnily enough the names i plan to give my twins .However true C*NT ROCKER that she is, she turned up in court in her C*NT ROX DICK SUX tee shirt ( The latter in reference to Mr Dick O dell of which more later and not as you might suppose because Lady Ruth has become a last resort lesbian or ever was - no - even though my Mum is a dyke and men have treated both The Lady and myself like shit -we are still  greasy breeders )  Her romance hath failed her yet she still manages to look glorious in the face of adversity and prosecution whilst living in the Lisson grove Estate where it's so rough even the domestic pets carry rape-alarms and have cauliflower ears chew gum  , smoke crack and sport tribal tattoos.
CAREER CAREERING ORIENTEERING FRENCH KISSING AND CYBER-SEX

i SENT A C.D. to a guy called Jame Cohen who sais he signed the Chilli Peppers and wants to  arrange for me to record my album with Captain Beefheart's MAGIC BAND. The members that are still alive I presume. This could be fantastic like working with a bunch of trendy clued-up Father Christmases, for some reason I imagine them all to have beards, so its all quite seasonal really (Although I'm not ,thanks for asking)

DICK O DELL - Of Gorilla records and Gang of 4 fame expressed an interest in managing me. I french kissed him at his sisters house near Slough and  then he never showed up for our appointment in London (30 fucking quid on the train) and I haven’t heard from him since. Hence loyal Lady Ruth's terrific Tee shirt proclaiming our opinion of his staggering flakiness and disrespect to the C*NT ROCK CAUSE ! next ...............

A senior producer from the BBC wants me to do my own take on KURT WEILL for a one woman show, I was thinking KUNT VILE, something along those lines or VILE KUNT which when said forcefully sounds like a Nazi salute and could be used as a friendly greeting and become a popular alternative to "whats up toots?". This producer has fallen in love with the C*NT ROCK MANIFESTO and may well be my manager. I am frankly astounded that the BBC would be interested in me, it has always been my intention to be shunned by the Daily- Mail- reading Establishment, it is quite nonplussing and at the same time I want to ring every teacher and parent that has ever dissed me boast and make them eat their erroneous stinking dissent shit..

WHAT ELSE oh I had a fling with a 5"4 Italian anarchist who has a punk band called The Strip Kings but he started talking to me during our mutual agitating in the same weird voice that i realised he  spoke to his cats in, and suddenly bombing Bennetton  didn't seem very romantic anymore. I don't know why I mentioned his height, except that he was the first short man I've ever dated and some how his diminutive stature and his love of cats are weirdly connected in my cranial spaghetti

AND now for the FINALE! A feeling ---fat and insecure and locked-- out -of -my -normal-London -abode- day, coincided collided with a hiphop producer who i really like, his bed, hipping and hopping and a video. Said day turned dark and despite the inconvenience of a Japanese girlfriend who lives in Japan and long distance dialled, saw the debut of the Countess in her first non-speaking role.  Mr j Kane looks a lot like my vex-partner THE HENIOUS Arthur (BEAL UZABUB) Baker -only he actually has a lot to do with the records he produces and doesn't just rely on the engineer, turn up late, order food, and then take credit for everybody elses work. He was very  charming and talented. He's also adult sized which i guess comes in handy if you’re going to make adult videos with adulterous posh girls like me. Apparently J - for that is his name, has been receiving phone calls from so called 'friends' of mine who having listened sympathetically to my confession of tawdriness promptly rang him up and offered him money for the tapes for their own viewing pleasure and future ammunition for when I become exasperatingly famous and will only talk to them because they are blackmailing me. I don't imagine Citizen j Kane will be talking to me now I have shared these lurid details with you and your readers and got him into hot water torture with his girlfriend. I, feel like a Trisha contestant, all at once i've gone into  sensationalist overdrive and i'm at the centre of it all, spilling confessional titillation like a pram-faced harpie..
 
Moral of this dark musing or just wilful vanity ?.........
 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You see this is a moral story i broke one of the cardinal rules of C*nt Rock and that is to NEVER disrespect another C*NT. GOD IS A WOMAN, A FELLOW C*NT. And she will always make you suffer with humiliation if you break that code of sistahood - my own stupid fault as the property and no matter how appealing, he belonged to another. On the other hand if I can get back the video Gary at The Moorcroft Debt Recovery Group has declared himself to be a willing recipitant and has assured me that BT may not be quite as enthusiastic about prosecuting me for non- payment of their bill.
 

SO there we have it GOD is a C*NT God bless C*NT ROCK  and now for some closing slogans from the C*NT ROCK MANIFESTO

LOVE YOUR DEBTS !-even bills have feelings
DONT LISTEN 2 YOUR THERAPIST!
THE 12 STEPS.?... in these heels ?!
Be SERIOUS..NEVER WORK!
THE ROAD OF EXCESS LEADS TO THE PALLACE OF WILLESDON!
THY KINGDOME DONE THY SLUTDOM  WON !
C*NT GET U OUT OF MY MIND BOY YOURE ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT !

See you on the other side, viva cunt rock my lovelies!
THE COUNTESS  X

All similarities to actual people or events are entirely non-coincidental (,on purpose dummy) all right reserved and no apologies given. So sue me you suckers
 

PEACHES
Hairy hoary jewish untoned untuned Iggy loving VIXEN -could have been in Homerton psychiatric hospital with me im still not sure wether that was her or if she is just a lovely vision and a result of me abusing the mood stabelisers. An anwer to every little girls wet wish.

MISSY ELLIOT
Fat in every way. Love her more than Peaches

COURTNEY LOVE
Excellent surgery. One song i wish id written the lines "one day youll ache like i ache love you so much it just turns to hate" Boys think shes a nightmare and she probably is, wears that disfunction like a strutting catwalk prowler. Got arrested for abusing a trolly dolly on a virgin plane-like that those fucking bints are a pain in the fucking harrass when all you want is a goddamned drink before take off. You just know she's a FASTARD (female bastard -denotes skillfull awfullness) Oh serious addiction problems - I can relate as a user myself- also a stripper as was I so i soo love her lack of dignity and lazy refusal to get an honest job. Tres TRES C*NT. Get decrepid and disfunctional, take on the corporate bastards once you've milked em, critiisise models and then have surgery, be a crap Mum and have your kid taken away  ..Just sheer joyfull stuff the lady should be canonised. Go sista you are a delight !
 

BRODIE DALLE
I have no idea who this is - is she any good?
 

CHRISTINA
Looks like she masturbates a lot on fences, Luridly cheap 5 day test (ACNE TREATMENT) uber slutdom incarnate, fabulous rolemodel for twelve year olds to want to look like forty year old hookers. She can really sing i wish she did a duet with Iggy.

The world of Vegas and BIG SHIT ballads beckons now those corporate shmucks have cottoned on to the fact that she has
a great voice, expect to see end up drowning in a mire of peanut butter sandwiches and quaaludes like The King- shes even died her hair black - coincidence ?- i think not
 

ALESHA MISTEEQ
MISTAKE mc garage, twatty crap promoted by addidas shellsuited 48 year olds.
 

ATOMIC KITTEN
They need to be anally asaulted with their own uncomfortabely shaped  cds   - for charidy!
 

GIRLS ALOUD
Racist pouty one and ginger minger cant remember the rest  See under Atomic Kitten but add water sports
 

RACHEL STEVENS
RACHEL "F*CKING" STEVENS! You want me to comment on a squarking chipmonk who is the Fellicity Kendall for a wank generation whose musical taste is dictated by some suited turds who are robbing them of their pocket money and wipping themselves a soda over a girl who looks as bland unconsequential and irrelevant as a discarded crisp packet - only more plastic.

Come the Inevitable C*NT ROCK REVOLUTION all of the above their creators and their assinine bastard  ilk will have been roundly deficated on by every poxy childrens television presenter and reality show contestants and the whole marauding sorry lot in  internally interogated by vengefull glove puppets left on train tracks and run over by the late virgiin express to Woking, and their demise witnessed by demorilised soggy-cheese-sandwich munching commuters.