Goldie Lookin Chain

Goldie Lookin Chain are the funniest thing to come out of Wales since Steven Johnson tried to pass himself off as the king of Welsh Hip Hop. A mix of Primark and market chic, the Newport crew, could just be one of the bands of the year with Cat Deeley practically frothing at the mouth with the same degree of intensity as fellow Must Destroy Record label mates the Darkness. Rumours are abound that the GLC and The Darkness are going to collaborate on "Walk This Way" at the Carling Weekend, but for the time being read one of Designer Magazine's strangest disjointed interviews to date. Billy, Eggsy, Mystikal, Adam Hussein were all present, if not entirely of this planet.

Q: How are the GLC crew hanging today
Mystikal: We popped in to watch Amen and hear the magical sound of metal...
Eggsy: ....I found the toilet and had a shit. I've been waiting to do that all day. It was one those horrible shits. It was just like little slugs coming out of my bum. There was a slight smudging.

Q: And the single "Half Man, Half Machine"?
Mystikal: Saturday morning television really. Cartoons, Transformers. Always wanting to be something you could never achieve and trying anyway.

Eggsy: I knew a kid, he's a teacher now so he's quite respectable, but when he was younger he used to believe lasers could come out of his eyes by going (bleep bleep) and scrunching his eyes up. I keep bringing it up now and he's highly embarrassed. He used to live over the road from the allotment and he used to take coat hangers over there and throw them cos he thought they were like the spinning discs things.

Q: It's kind of Transformers meets Blue Peter meets the menacing stare from Footballers Wives
Eggsy: Yeah, that's the vibe

Q: The big question - Robocop Vs Transformers?
Mystikal: Transformers easily. You got a Robot and a car in one so you got two for the price of one. Essentially Robocop was Half Man Half Machine, but he was shit.

Adam Hussein: If you take a shit while having a stiffy your bell end will increase to twice it's normal size and then it explodes. So moral of this story is never ever ever ever take a shit while you've got a hard on....

Mystikal: matter how much it's poking out. That's Adam Husseins Medical Corner.

Adam Hussein: That's gonna save a lot of lives that. I'm spreading the world man

Q: Welsh Rap - East Side Vs West Side?
Eggsy: It's mainly just people sitting down drinking and smoking fags as opposed to warfare

Mystikal: Most people really don't understand how the geography of it all works. It's either Newport, or it's outside of Newport. That's as far as it goes. North, South, East, West - it's all the same

Eggsy: The rivalry mainly lies between the schools. St Josephs used to come over with their bats thinking they were hard. Up until the age of 16 you fight the rival schools, from the age of 16 you drink illegally and when you reach the age of 18 you drink legally.

Q: You just signed the deal with Must Destroy Records a few weeks ago. At the signing party your local Welsh MP joined the GLC massive, is it the first step of the mission to get as many MPs on the GLC vibe as possible?
Eggsy: I wouldn't mind meeting Ann Widdecome and Mo Mowlam, get em both drunk, make a movie with them and sell it on the internet. Imagine Edwina Currie bouncing up and down on top of you...if we were both drunk enough I probably would.

Mystikal: I can imagine Edwina Currie being the manager of a call centre or something and when she gets drunk at the Xmas Party...exactly.

Eggsy: I wouldn't take her out for a series of dates leading up to sex. I'd just have drunk horrible sex with her, throw £20 at her and say get out of my sight. There would be some perverse pleasure in the whole process for all the wrong reasons.

Q: What are women like in Newport then - lookers up there with the Widdecome or Mowlam?
Eggsy: Wicked, but there's some really horrible ones. There's a Titty Bar that's opened up in Newport a little while ago and there's another bar next to it. And when they come out for a break they pop into this bar and that's quite good. In the Mezze Bar the birds come from the Titty bar and that's nice.

Mystical: There's a story about a woman who lived next to our old primary school who if ever your football or tennis ball went over she would try to eat you with her vag. She had a mouth in her vag that could eat various limbs. You would jump over to get your football back, it would be like 'Vag Mouth is coming'. Big teeth and everything!!!

Q: What other characters are there to look out for when we head over to Newport?
Eggsy: Waterman. He wears yellow John Lennon glasses and carries water from Cardiff to Newport on the train or on a bike because he thinks there's too much water in the River Usk.

There's loads of famous people from Wales. Eddie Murphy was born and lived in Cardiff till he was six and then went to live in America. Bob Marley's old man is Welsh. Jacques Chirac is from Drisca. Terry Wogan is from Wales. Edwina Curry. Barry Bulsara the stalker guy who killed Jill Dando. But Manchester's got Harold Shipman so you win!!!

Q: So you've took it from the streets of Newport to compete with the mighty Blazin Squad. You're hitting em big style
Mystical: What do Blazin Squad sing about?

Eggsy: Well these did songs about reversing and crossroads so they're obviously into cars. I heard they were gonna do a single with Jeremy Clarkson, but i'm not sure if were gonna go that way.

Billy: I heard they passed their test first time and that's why they want to Flip Reverse it and get to the Crossroads. It's their vibe.

Q: What would you have to way to be a Goldie Lookin Chain groupie?
Eggsy: I thought you were gonna say junkie then? (Laughs) Smack, crack, heroin. But someone who is fit and wants to be touched or to touch is fine. That's pretty much all they need to be, just sexually aware.

Mystical: Or a girl who is about 18 or 19 and is from Aberdeen and has travelled all the way down to Glasgow, has had half a bottle of whisky and is banging on the tour bus door saying "I wanna have sex with you".

Q: Finally if one of our readers wants to come a member of your crew how do they do it?
Mystical: They can simply buy some gold or some leisure wear and hang around street corners

Billy: It's all about living the dream in this game. Are you living the dream? Yeah, well you're f**king GLC man

"Half Man Half Machine" is out now on Must Destroy Records
Goldie Looking Chain play Leeds / Reading Festivals
For more info on the GLC

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