Goldie Lookin Chain
Designer Magazine interrupted the Goldie Lookin Chain's Mystikal as he was working out some medieval science with his digital helpers. In an attempt to get to the bottom of the GLC we took them back in time to the heaven of 1983. The A-Team and Streethawk. Rusty Lee and Mad Lizzie. Rollerdisco's Vs Ice Rinks. Mothers with Penis' and Boys With Breasts. Summer fetes and novelty barbecues. Relive your youth and theirs with Designer Magazine and the GLC.
Q: So Mystikal what you up to today?
A: Today i'm trying to work out some medieval science
with the aid of my digital helpers, but they seem to be hindering as opposed
to helping. It's all gone f**king tits up mate. I hate this medieval science,
it's bloody rubbish.
Q: What we're trying to do today is get to the bottom
of the GLC by looking at all the things that made you. We're going to start
with the A-Team. You're the wise old man of the GLC, in the old days when
you cast the show were you always Hannibal?
A: Never. I was normally the guest celebrity that they
had in week after week. You know what it's like. You'd watch the television
program and then you'd immediately go outside and act it out exactly how
you'd seen it. So say if there were 4 lads who came over to our estate
they would automatically be the A-Team. I didn't want to be the bird, so
i'd just be the guest appearance. I might only come on for 2 minutes, but
at least I was in it.
Did you ever heard the story about Boy George being in
one of the A-Team episodes? The whole story behind it was that Boy George's
real name is the same name as a real famous American football player over
in the States. They got mixed up and said lets get this proper American
hero in and this camp effeminate British boy turns up. But they still used
him and thought bollocks to it. At one point he uses his hair slide as
a lock pick. Brilliant. I'm not saying I would be Boy George, but i'd be
any kind of special guest involved.
Q: So when the GLC were playing the A-Team and the
rival schools came over and locked you in the shed did you ever make a
tank out of the lawn mower?
A: (laughs) I tell you what we did try. I don't even
think it was Easter. We tried to make a cross in the back garden using
pritstick, A4 paper and two planks. I'm not entirely sure what we were
going to do, I don't know whether we were going to crucify anyone or not,
but needless to say it didn't work and I bruised one of my toes. It was
in keeping with the Medieval vibe, but i've no idea why we did it or what
we were trying to achieve.
Q: And when you guys got bored of A-Team and Airwolf
did you ever decide to play Streethawk with stabilizers?
A: Now Streethawk was pretty good. The only problem being
is there was only one man involved in Streethawk, if you were anyone else
you weren't really worth bothering about. But if you combined the forces
of A-Team, Airwolf, Streethawk, Blue Thunder and Manimal you've got a proper
mix. I can't remember the name of the bloke that does them all, I think
its that Stephen J Cannell who pulls the script out of his typewriter at
the end of the A-Team and throws it up in the air. I always used to love
watching it thinking wow, he's got a beard, he writes the A-Team he's amazing.
For many of my years I always thought the A-Team was a documentary and
then of course somebody pointed out that it was a scriptwriter at the end.
It was like is he the one that does all the reporting then? No no, just
sort it out mate.
Q: So what was it about the A-Team that won in top
trumps over Streethawk and Airwolf?
A: Characterization was very high in the agenda. Confusion
over why when a helicopter flies into a mountain everybody just gets out
and dusts their clothes down. Back in the day you never really worried
about series continuity or any of the geeky issues. I think there was a
2 part episode where all the A-Team got captured apart from Murdock. He
comes in dressed as a priest and gives them communion blood. Underneath
the communion wafer there's a special LSD style tab that stops their heart
rate so they essentially go into suspended animation for a bit. Then they
all get shot with blanks on a firing range and you think shit the A-Team
have been shot...but it's all right cos Murdock's a priest and he goes
back and delivers them from certain temptation. It rounded it off nicely
for me, although I was concerned for the A-Team's safety at one stage.
Q: When you stopped watching the A-Team you moved on
to Vaj as all teenage boys do. I'm guessing it was Vaj as in Anneka Rice,
Mad Lizzie and Michela Strachan?
A: (Laughs) It's not so much the Vaj as it was the camel
suits, you know what I mean. Treasure Hunt with the tight fitting cat suit
that she used to run about with. It wasn't just that, it was the headphones
as well and the way she'd innocently toy about with her hair when there
was interference ("What was that? North Annie. I can't hear you. Run north").
And they had that little model helicopter that they used to push around
with a stick like it was in World War 2 or something. Man, I used to love
all that shit. All of it's on cable, but I can't get any of these posh
channels. It's a nightmare!!!
Q: What is it about these 80s birds that Britney and
Xtina just don't have?
A: I think there's a certain sense of kooky kitchness
about them which I think is quite nice. They were doing stuff that no other
girls were doing on television before. Along with that you've still got
the childhood romance thing and whenever you ask anybody about a childhood
romance there's always something they can't put their finger on. They all
had it - Anneka Rice, Felicity Kendall, Rusty Lee - all the old school
bad bitch babes from back in the day!!!
Q: Did you used to watch all the fitness videos that
seemed to multiply like Gremlins in water?
A: What's the name of the model they called The Body?
Elle McPherson. Now I had a go at that. We broke a coffee table doing that.
If you can imagine about 4 or 5 lads stripped to the waist in various states
of hangovers and comedowns all marching around the living room and then
it just breaking out into violence saying 'No, Elle would fancy me'. The
coffee table was broken and I think a tray of drinks may have gone up in
the air as well.
Q: Was it ever a worry that Rusty Lee might make a
fitness video?
A: One of my private fantasies has always been A) Rusty
Lee dancing for me B) Waking up next to Rusty Lee or C) All of the above
and Rusty Lee making me a Caribbean Fry Up, which would be exactly the
same as a normal fry up but with chunks of pineapple and chilli sauce instead
of ketchup. That really would make my day.
Q: After the Rusty Lee fantasies and before you met
real women the GLC went down to the Rollerdisco. How was that?
A: F**king hell man. My first memory of a Rollerdisco
was a place called Matlins. It was like a poor mans Butlins if you can
get any poorer than that. In terms of the lady factor down Maskells. You
can't pick up girls down the chip shop, neither the chinese or the off
license because you don't have the certain romantic ambience that you did
down the rollerdisco. But f**king hell the amount of causalities we saw
down there and the amount of sympathy generated by the casualties i.e.
the amount of free birds available.
Q: Did you ever progress to the Ice Rink when you grew
up?
A: I had a go, but it was never as much fun as the retro
feel that the Rollerdisco had. The thing about Rollerdisco's is it's smart,
it's practical and it's got that slight hint of physical danger. Bloody
ice skating, just silly buggers that is. You turn up in jeans, you're going
home in tears. You're cut to ribbons, your trousers are soaking wet and
everybody can see your pants - it's just crap!!!
Q: Were there every any broken bones at the rollerdisco.
I seem to remember every week someone used to break a leg or wrist or something
A: Pretty much. There were all sorts of strange and random
injuries that occurred. There was one girl who split her head open, but
came into the rollerdisco to seek medical advice, she smashed her head
open elsewhere. Everyone was like 'Shit don't go down to the rollerdisco,
you'll smash your head open'. No, no, she came in there.
Q: From one girl with a split head to another girl
with a head - "Your Mothers Got A Penis". Was this based on James Harries
aka Little Lord Fontleroy?
A: You've touched on one of my favourite subjects here.
We always remember James from back in the day, but now that he has turned
into she and become Lauren it's ever so much more confusing. Did you watch
the Keith Allen film? It was bloody excellent wasn't it. He was hanging
in the more basic haunts of Cardiff as well, like on St Marys Street which
is slap bang in the middle of Cardiff. We were trying to work out which
estate they live on and it shouldn't be hard because I mean how many mock
tudor mansions are you going to find on the side of a real dodgy council
estate. What I loved about that documentary more than anything else was
when they were filming outside and the cars were coming screaming up. "There's
a bloke who lives in there. He's a man turning into a lady. He scares all
our kids. F**king Dickhead" and then they'd drive off again. I was amazed.
"Your Mother's Got A Penis" is not really based on the
life of James Harries. It would be wicked if it was. Our favourite GLC
phrase for James Harries was Antiques Kid and if you have a look in the
GLC manifesto I think he gets a shout out as well cos he's had that much
of an impact in our life's. The whole premise behind "Your Mother's Got
A Penis" was to try and deliver the ultimate bar room insult. There's no
comeback...it's like the whole I dare yer, I double dare yer, I back double
dare yer - you can't top Your Mother's Got A Penis!!!
Q: Did you watch the Boys With Breasts program the
other night
A: Boys with Breasts - really!!! Is it some sort of genetic
disorder? There was a guy at our school who when he matured had an above
average level of oestrogen in his body and he started lactating in the
sixth form. We thought it was madness with milk coming out of his tits.
But blokes with breasts - i'd quite happily spend a weekend with tits.
Exploring your feminine side...and we're not talking about in the mind.
Brilliant.
Q: Finally, apart from the leisure suits, gold chains,
the A Team, Rusty Lee and boys with breasts is there anything else that
makes up the GLC?
A: I think we're going to be getting involved in summer
fetes over this summer. I personally want to see a return to the summer
fete of old. 1983 style summer fete with rat up a drainpipe, throw spunges
at the headmaster, perhaps some kind of a really shit Its A Knockout style
tournament that doesn't work properly and inflatable castles.
Maybe a shit barbecue. Do you remember the days when barbecues
were a real novelty and if you went round to someone's house it would be
like "Here's my friend Jeff, he's a professional chef - he's brought his
barbecue round. Now some people might call it BBQ for short". That's what
I want to go back to, it was a proper novelty. Every f**king man and his
dogs got a barbecue nowadays, they're going for £20 down Asda and
stuff. I say put the novelty back into barbecue and everyone will treat
it as a fun day out. Have a summer fete 1983 stylee to the present day.
Q: How about the Fairy Cakes you used to be allowed
at Summer Fetes before the government outlawed them in case they got sued
by claims direct?
A: There were several things we've spotted since then
that aren't allowed anymore. Apart from the crumbly white dog poo, which
we all know about. Fairy cakes with like the wafers with Mickey Mouse on
- they're not allowed now. Remember those tiny little metal ball bearings
that when you put them in your mouth and you had fillings would create
an immense amount of pain and no-one knew why. I asked the dentist to explain
it one day and he didn't know what they were. He was like why are you putting
metal in your mouth? It's not metal, it's just the sweets that have metal
on the outside. F**king hell it was too much.
Q: Perhaps you should bring the Summer Fete experience
out on the GLC tour in October
A: I think we should do. Trestle tables out, put a spread
on, novelty barbecue where everyone has to pretend they've never seen one
before.
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Goldie Lookin Chain's "Greatest Hits" is out 13th
Sept
The band tour throughout October
For more info
www.youknowsit.co.uk
www.glcforum.com
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Thanks in Advance
Alex McCann