UPDATE
As well as the fantastic indepth interview below we also have a new interview with Avid Merrion to co-incide with the release of the single Proper Crimbo and the Xmas Special Ho Ho Selecta. Click here for more Avid
Avid Merrion
2002 has been a golden year for the hottest comedy talent, which has seen the old favourites such Alan Partridge, Harry Hill and The Office return to our screens alongside brand new shows such as Dead Ringers and Havin' It Off. But standing head and shoulders above the rest was the Designer Magazine Best Comedy Show Of The Year - Bo Selecta with Transylvanian celebrity stalker Avid Merrion.
We caught up with Avid in the middle of an exclusive photo shoot for celebrity gossip magazine Heat and found him emulating Travis from the Calvin Klein adverts in his pants. Read on to find out about Avid's first celebrity crush, who he's going to get engaged to next year and of course plenty of talk about the toss off, sex wee and kissing the face.
Q: Hello to you Avid. You're currently in a middle
of a photo shoot for the legendary Heat magazine. How are you today?
A: I am very good. It's Crazy times right now - you know
like the song - Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy. I don't know the rest, la
la la, "Crazy Nights" that one. I am putting my terrible face in the magazines
next to the celebrities, which is good for me because if you get close
to celebrities it is better than having to get through the fire escape.
They have been taking photographs of me in my pants - everyone wants to see my cockle shell bay - my stinking ginger cockle shell bay I think!!! They want me in my pants like Calvin Kleins. The model is called Travis I have been trying to emulate him with my big fat cock - they say you have to fill the pants more so it is easy - I just play the Christina Aguilera video in my mind (It is very good) and straight away there you go I am 12 inch.
You know what I am speaking about - you think of this
and you do a toss off. Everybody looks at me bad when I start to talk about
a toss off. But I think everybody do a toss off, even the lady who is sat
in front of me does a toss off, but it's different for a lady - they work
it gingerly and rub it - but for a man you really go for it, right!!!
Q: Avid - as a bambino who was your first celebrity
crush?
A: It's probably Dracu. I know he isn't a celebrity here,
he is horror legend. But where I come from he is more like your Craig David.
Dracu is very good, but where I come from there isn't many celebrities
and you can only like a man with pointy teeth for so long before it becomes
terribly boring. He don't have a talent - yes he can change into a bat
- but he can't really, it's just in a movie. All he do is walk around with
the teeth - but with a shiny cape it is good.
Q: At what age did you first start following celebrities
then?
A: It's not all my life. It's just...you try to fit when
you become a teenager and you have to learn a few conversations. Maybe
read magazines and watch Smash Hits Poll Winners Party so you know you
can have a conversation "Yes, Atomic Kitten I think they are brilliant!!!"
and you can talk about them. With me I like something a little bit and
then it goes too far and becomes obsessive and before you know it I am
getting told off by the police with restraining orders "Keep Away, Keep
Away".
But I don't mean to cause bad on anyway. It's just that
they film the television programmes and it's only my right that I am allowed
to like them a lot. If you see Davina McCall in the street you should run
up to her and say "Hello to you. I think you are brilliant - you make me
do a sex wee". I think it is the viewers right to do this.
Q: It was the Big Brother that set you on your path
wasn't it - the Craig and the Jade?
A: This is suddenly how I become recognized, but I have
done it before that. I buy a video camera and I film a lot. The first documents
I have on video is when I followed Richard & Judy...I stay outside
the Ivy because in London a lot of celebrities eat their dinners here...so
I filmed Richard & Judy, I follow them to the studio and I meet them.
They are very nice - I shake the hand and kiss the face - but it is nothing
dark or dangerous.
It's just how the media...they make you like a dark and dangerous man and I am not. Everyone say about the programme that it is very funny, but I don't set out to make it funny. It's TV Manipulation. Like on Big Brother they make Jade out to be a stupid fat, but if you meet her in the street she is not a stupid fat - they edit it in a way to make you look like this. I thought Bo Selecta was supposed to a serious documentary about how much I like celebrities, but it turns out like to be like Frank Spencer or the Two Ronnies.
Q: What does your Dead Mother think of your celebrity
stalking?
A: It's weird. Right now I was talking about my Dead
Mother to the lady who was taking my photographs and she said my mother
would be proud bla bla bla. So I am telling her about all the gifts I will
be buying celebrities and then she say's "What will you be buying your
mother for Christmas?" - I say nothing, she is dead. "But you talk about
your mother like you speak to you mother". I say "I do speak to my mother.
Just because she is dead I don't stick her in the ground with the worms
and shit". I keep her in the cupboard, spray her with Lynx and put Magic
Tree round her so she smells like endangered species from the forest.
You can imagine if you have a dead mother she don't talk
too much so you have to do both way conversations like in the movie "Psycho",
but I am not a Psycho. Sometimes Craig, he can chat, but he is terribly
miserable when he is tied up sometimes I try to do a joke but I don't do
it funny so sometimes I have to answer for him - "Craig would you like
to come to bed with? Yes, I would - I love it when you Ramshank with me
in bed!!!"
Q: And how has life changed for you since the Bo Selecta
programme went on air?
A: Right now, I think my mother is very happy about everything,
but it is a bit strange for me. I don't normally go into a shop and be
recognized...but now I go into a shop and be recognized, right. They say
"Hello to you Avid" and they want my signature. I say "What do you want
my bloody signature for. I am like you. I wait outside the Waterstones
for the autograph of Jamie Oliver. Don't have my autograph? It is rubbish,
sometimes I spell my name wrong - I am a shit!!!"
You can imagine if you go to buy rubber johnny at supermarket for when you do a posh toss off so you don't have to wipe it with a tissue...and somebody catches you buying a rubber johnny. It's terribly embarrassing because you don't know who knows you, so sometimes now I am wearing a hat and scarf to cover my neck brace.
But everybody is being nice and you could say it good
because I meet new friends. Even Jonathan Ross from Television recognized
me in the street. He say "Hello to you", I say "Hello to him", I
kiss his face and this is good if a celebrity recognizes you because normally
they look at me like a piece of shit that is undressing them with my eyes
(which 9 times out 10 I am doing this).
Q: Has your friend Ozzie downstairs in the laundry
made you any new T-Shirts for Xmas?
A: My recent one was a Will Young T-Shirt. On the front
it said "If I Had To Do It, It Would Be With Will". You know what it's
saying - if I had to do it with a man. But it's not true. If I had to do
it with a man all they have to be is a celebrity - I would make love to
them. But normal men in the streets who work at a shop - I won't make love
to. But I think it is ok to be Gay, I think they are very special.
Q: So what attracts you to a celebrity. Do they have
to be fat and ginger or is that just a bonus?
A: Do they have to be fat and ginger? No, they can be
slim and have black hair and no arms. It's good if they are talented. Their
talent really turns me on and makes me very big.
Have you met a celebrity? Yes. They are very smooth like a velvet touch. You touch them, they are very fresh, they smell nice and they are very polite. They don't have to drink the Red Bull because they already have the wings. They light up rooms just with their smile. They're much faster than us normal people like an expensive shoes - a celebrity is like a good Adidas trainer. You have met a celebrity, you said. Did you get a little flutter? Yes. Now you know why I am saying this, but you probably have a job to do to, right. I don't have a job so I have a lot of time to obsess and before I know it I have made love to myself 6 times just thinking about Will Young or Letitia Dean or Samantha Mumba.
Maybe if I had a job I would be a little bit normal, but because I don't I spent all my time fantasizing, sticking cardboard faces on Mannequins and making love to them. I drill a hole, stick a shower cap in there and you know what? I don't even need to buy the Rubber Johnny because I have posh toss by filling the mannequin. I have one mannequin with one leg so full it is incredible - but I keep it in the fridge and pour it into a flask and then I can give the flask of sex wee to my favourites. How much respect can I give to them if I give them my love in flask?
Q: So Avid, who is your favourite celebrity?
A: I have different all the time, each week it different,
but Kylie Minogue is always in my heart. Davina McCall I have a lot of
respect for her...I would like to kiss her face, kiss her tats, kiss her
bum hole...I would like to suck her nose. She has a big beautifully constructed
nose. They say you shouldn't say if a lady has a big nose you shouldn't
say it - but she has a beautiful big nose!!!
I tell you now, I never realized it but Melinda Messenger.
I used to think she was just like a sexy whore...but now she is not, she
is beautiful pretty. She said on Big Brother, "You will like me, I am warm"
which straight away this is what I say. She must like me so I'm going to
follow her until I get injunctions to keep away.
Q: And who is your least favourite celebrity?
A: I don't have a least favourite, but I had a big Hoo
Haa with Lisa Tarbuck. But I forgive her for this because I think she works
terribly hard and it maybe it could be the time of the month when they
set all of their eggs. She punched me in the neck just because I tell her
"She is very talented...but is more sexy in trousers than a skirt". But
I think she is beautiful and fat because if there is fat you can have more,
right.
But everyone has the perception I only like fat celebrity,
but I don't. I like fat, black, white, yellow - every celebrity - I don't
care. They are all very good to me like lovely smiling dolphins. But I
tell you recently I have had thoughts about dolphins...I think they are
very devious because they smile at you and go he he he he he like this,
but they bite like a shark. If a dolphin swim underneath me I would shit
myself!!!
Q: So have you got any advice for our readers that
want to meet the celebrities?
A: If you go through the fire escape sometimes you can
get caught by the security and they are not too friendly. So if they want
my advice to meet celebrities you make friends with the PR people first.
You buy them a gift...something very useful like a hot water bottle or
a screwdriver...because these are useful tools that they can use at home
and every time they use the hot water bottle they think of you. Oh Avid
Merrion he buys me this - I will get him to meet Kylie Minogue and all
his dreams with come true.
Q: Finally, it's been a great year for the celebrities
in 2002. Have you got any New Years resolutions for 2003?
A: Maybe stop tossing off because sometimes I get a little
burn. I don't ever regret anything because life is so good now I don't
think I could change it apart from if I get engaged to Kylie Minogue. We
start to make another series of Bo Selecta in January and it will go out
at the end of February - it will be called Bo Selecta 2!!!
UPDATE
As well as the fantastic indepth interview above we also have a new interview with Avid Merrion to co-incide with the release of the single Proper Crimbo and the Xmas Special Ho Ho Selecta. Click here for more Avid
**************
Bo Selecta 2 will be on Channel 4 from June 2003
The first series of Bo Selecta is available on
DVD
For more information check out
C4's
Avid Merrion Micro-Site
**************
**********
Post
your Avid Merrion and Bo Selecta comments on the Message Board
**********
Designer Magazine covers the best of music and entertainment . As well as featuring the hottest names in rock, pop and dance music in our full site. Our Entertainment Weekly column covers the arts and features interviews with cast members of THE OFFICE, LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN and PHOENIX NIGHTS as well as other stars of TV and the arts
Check out the full DESIGNER MAGAZINE site by clicking here